BPD Recovery and the Little Demon

Imagine for a moment that there is a big black demon within you, one that controls your mood, what you say, how you think, and for a long, long time this demon causes you to hurt those around you. You will say mean and manipulative things, you will become paranoid and suspicious of what they say and do, and worst of all, you will think you are justified. Over time this demon will subside, you will become more aware of it, it will lose its power, and as you make the effort to be better, the demon inside you dies...but it never really does, the demon only grows smaller, weaker, lying in wait within you for its moment to come back out in whatever capacity possible. You feel it itching, breathing down you; whenever you think you are safe, happy, the little demon tries to claw its way back up and make your mind whirl with thoughts.

This is how it feels to recover from BPD.



No one truly recovers from Borderline Personality Disorder, they can only improve. I know because I went through it myself and for a long time I thought I was done with all of my anxiety and over analyzing thoughts that polluted my head every time that somebody I knew said anything. I worried myself to death, and I needed to get out of that mind set. Recovery was hard, it was painful, but I am in a much, much better place than I was a few years ago. Still, with that said, I know that my little demon is still inside me.

A stray thought will cross my mind and I will wonder why my friend asked if the third member of our close circle will be coming to the hangout, is it because I'm not enough on my own? Of course not, it's because the three of us are accustomed to doing everything together, and our third friend was in fact coming that day, it was just an example of my little demon trying to make me insecure and doubt myself.

If anyone else is trying to recover from BPD know that it is hard, and long, and painful, but it does get better. The demon will never go away, that is a devastating truth and one I tried long and hard to ignore, but to know the little demon is just a little demon, and to know what it tries to do, you can hopefully ignore it and keep it locked in its cage down in the deep depths of nowhere. To those currently struggling with BPD, don't give up, don't worry about being enough, don't worry about whether you're liked; you are confused, stressed, longing, and beautiful, and I implore you: do not let the demon win, because if you can be stronger than it things will get better.

I am truly sorry if what I say offends anyone, or comes across wrong. I spent so long dealing with this, and only want to speak about my own experiences and support any who are going through it too.


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